The Failed Engagement

I was always a tough girl, always the strong individual.  If something someone said bothered me I would never let show.  I was never able to really express my feelings to anyone not my mom or even my best friends.  There were just parts of me that I kept to myself because I never trusted anyone that much to reveal that part of me to so vulnerable with someone was one of my worst fears.  I felt if I was vulnerable and if people saw that part of me then they would have the power to hurt me.  

I met Chris at a point in my life where I was about ready to give up on trying to find a guy because there were so many bad dates and lying men I had come across.  When I first met him, I did everything to try and run him off.  I was really mean and tried not to seem interested in him.  That didn't seem to matter he still stuck around.

After about a month of talking, I agreed to go on a first date.  We met at the Hard Rock Casino, and we immediately clicked.  We had such an incredible time, and he was just so great.  We very quickly became an item.  He lived 2 hours away so it was a little long distance.  We took turns spending weekends with one another, and he made me feel so loved.  He was so patient with me and never got angry with me even when I was difficult.  We decided to spend the entire summer together and vacationed with each other's families.  We were so in love and happy.  

At least, I thought we were.....after, the summer ended I accidently discovered messages from another girl.  I was devastated.  He had cheated on me during the first few months of our relationship.  I immediately was done.  He begged me to give him another chance, but I just didn't know how I was going to trust him again.  I told him I needed to know everything, and if there was anything else he needed to tell me.  He offered up his passwords and told me about his porn addiction.  Not just watching porn videos.  He would live chat with girls and pay them to take off their clothes, and he explained that he had done this twice since we had been dating.  I was in shock and any other time I would have just walked away, but I had already fallen in love with him.  I decided to forgive him and give him another chance with conditions.

For the next, three months I put him through hell.  I told him I had forgiven him, but I hadn't.  He straightened up and stopped porn altogether or at least he learned to hide it better.  However, he wasn't good at hiding things after that because my guard was up and I was constantly checking things randomly.  He had lost my trust, and every time I told myself I trusted him I realized I didn't.  Trust is something earned and once lost it never returns the same way.  I realized that I had two choices....I could either break up with him or I had to really forgive him and let the relationship we had to go because it had died.  If there was a chance this could work we had to completely begin again and start over.  

I went to him and explained everything, and on that day I let go of the past.  The trust issues is the only thing I couldn't let go of completely, but I was trying to allow him to earn back trust.  He worked at it and I did begin to trust him again.  Our relationship got better we began to form a stronger bond.  After, several months, He proposed and we were engaged to be married.  We began to plan our wedding and we were really excited.  About two months before our wedding, we began arguing.  I didn't think we should be arguing that much my mom and friends said, it is just stress.  I brushed it off, but about a month before our wedding we got into an argument that lasted for days, and I told him that I thought that we should postpone the wedding because we shouldn't be arguing this much.  I told him we should postpone it and grow as a couple before we got married.  After talking, even though he didn't want to he agreed that if it was what I wanted that he could do it.  He went home for a few weeks to give us space.  After a week of being home, he called and told me that we should just break up.  I was surprised and hurt and confused because I thought we had discussed our plan, but I didn't fight it.  I told him if that was what he wanted then okay.   

I later discovered that two days after returning home before we had broken up he had video chatted with a girl that he paid to remove her clothes.  I also discovered an email address that was new.  The emails dated back to two months before our wedding when we began arguing, and I began getting a gut feeling about our relationship.

I was very devastated and a mess for months, but now looking back.  I am so glad that I didn't marry him.  Sometimes people don't deserve a second chance, but they for sure do not deserve a third chance.  I also learned that God gives you warnings, two months before our wedding God was warning me.  You should always listen to what you feel about something, and you should never settle for something or someone that doesn't deserve you because you are worth more than diamonds.

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