Learning to Embrace Myself

Before I get started with the current things going on in my life, I want to discuss some things in my past that was a big struggle.   

I was always the type of person that wasn't very confident at all.  I have always been overweight, and I have never thought that I was pretty enough for someone to really want to date.  I decided it was best that I focus on school, and going to college.  My parents didn't even finish high school, and getting my education was very important to me.  My parents were also very religious growing up.  I was taught a lot of good morals many of which I still have and believe in.  Growing up I never wanted to disappoint my parents though I know I have on occasion.   I just wanted them to be proud of me.  This is another reason I didn't really try to date anyone because generally men only want one thing.  At least that is what I have always been told, and I can vouch that this statement has been true a lot.  I had a boyfriend in high school for a short time, and another in college again for only a short period.  These relationships were nothing serious.  I finished college and graduated with honors.  When I interviewed for my job, I knew I had it, and God allowed everything to work out smoothly.  

I then decided that I might try online dating.  I was very surprised that I got so much attention from guys.  I never really knew how to talk to guys or how to flirt.  I am an extremely shy person; conversations and expressing myself have always been hard.  However, I found that I wasn't horrible at it, and I actually had a lot of enjoyable conversations with guys.  At least the ones that weren't only interested in sex.  I realized that there are some men out there that are okay with dating girls that are overweight...."thick girls".  This gave me confidence. 

I started dating a man that was a little older than me at age 25, and I experienced a lot of firsts with this man.  He was the kind of man that was totally scared of commitment, and I had never been in a real adult relationship.  I didn't really have a clue as to what I was doing, but he liked me the way I was.  This was a man that experienced a lot more than I could even imagine at that time in my life.  He made me confident that there were some men out there don't date girls just by judging their weight and like and want to date "thick girls" as much as any other girl.  During our year long relationship, I learned to love and embrace myself as a beautiful overweight woman.   I wasn't ever able to tell him that I loved him while we were together because "love" terrified me.  

I guess you can blame it on "daddy abandonment issues", but that's a different story.

But after the relationship ended, I was able to admit to myself and him that I loved him.  It was very bittersweet.  He taught me to love myself for who  I was not what my body looked like, and in return, he also stole my heart.  He taught me so much throughout our relationship, and for that, I am very grateful.

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Comments (2)

  1. ChristiChristi

    Every person that we meet in life influences us in one way or another. It sounds like this particular guy had a positive impact on your life. However, don’t let it become a habit to rely on someone else to make you feel worthy of love. You need to try to become comfortable with yourself, regardless of whether or not someone else approves of you.

    October 16, 2016
    1. dramaqueencoley15

      I agree which is something that I have struggled with over time, and I will continue to address in my blog posts to come. I still have much of my story to share. I appreciate the comments and encouragement for it is something I must remind myself every day.

      October 17, 2016